*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
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i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.