Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
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I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
titanic
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?