Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.