Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.