Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.