protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”