Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s just had a meeting about meetings.

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

✌️

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.