Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
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Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Pass gas, not judgment.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes