Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ain’t no way

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.