Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Everything reminds me of my ex
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?