Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

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Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

Not all heroes wear capes.

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that