Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
You Might Also Like
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Never let them know your next move 😂
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.