#ProTip
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I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Whoops
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums