Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
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See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
the three branches of government
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Saw your ex at the shops
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people