Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Meow?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
this is so top tier i cant
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo