Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
What’s the point buying it then?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
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Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
people who sit in a long line and aren’t ready when it’s their turn, should be sent to the back of the line to think about what they’ve done.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.