Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
You Might Also Like
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
San Francisco has too many rules
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: