Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
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Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I cannot call her anything else now
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”