Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
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Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom