Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.