Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.