Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
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Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.