Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there