Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.