Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I might give this a try 😏
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
huge if true: the moon
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.