@TheBoydP

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

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@Alohababe2011

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

@squirrel74wkgn

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

@ojedge

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

@chuuew

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

@TheBoydP

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

@Alex_Houseof308

[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]

Bad guy: He’s coming

Henchmen: Who?

Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga

Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him

Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea

@AhmedAllabidy

Don’t go to a fight with a gun or a knife,

Bubblewrap yourself,

People won’t fight when there’s bubblewrap

@Marlebean

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”