Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.