My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
bit less wobbly today
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
turns out i’m a hippo
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Whom hath released the hounds? Whom? Whom? Whom? Whom?
[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]
Bad guy: He’s coming
Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga
Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him
Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Don’t go to a fight with a gun or a knife,
People won’t fight when there’s bubblewrap
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”