Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
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Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*