Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
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person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*