Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
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19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor