Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
What about second breakfast?
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
#NeverForget
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*