Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.