Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
tis the season
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders