Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.