Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
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No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄