Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
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January is lasting longer than my marriage
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
BaD BoY!!
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened