Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
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Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.