Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch