Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Wow 🤣
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.