Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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My favorite animal is fried chicken.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
How dude HOW?!