Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.