Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.