Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
*pronounces surface like Versace*
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.