Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
called in thicc to work this morning
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.