The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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I needed a laugh this morning.
Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.