@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

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@ShaneKnowsStuff

The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.

@jdforshort

Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym

Who knew

@ClichedOut

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

@dakarrier

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

@david8hughes

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

@dreamthievin

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

@AaronNevins

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

@TheNardvark

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.