Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

I’m not a superstitious person but I will never say “bloody Mary” 3 times in front of a mirror. I’m not chancing that shit

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.