Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
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me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
the gulf of mexico should’ve been renamed to sea señor.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad