Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
You Might Also Like
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
This is my emotional support knife.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
How did we not see this back then?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs