Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
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I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit