Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
