Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry

Doctor: You need to listen to your body

My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.