Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

I unironically love this joke.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.