Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash