Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma