Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
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My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral