Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

“Is white wine all you have?”

No, I can do any

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.