Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.

I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.