Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
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The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
when mom throws a party…
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Something Saturday.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.