Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
You Might Also Like
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
as is their right
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Yoga Matt
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”