Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
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Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH