Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
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When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
The Birdles
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis