Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”