Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.

best review i’ve ever seen

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark