Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.