Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
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Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
