Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
You Might Also Like
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
<- sleeps well with others
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.