Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
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Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
A drum solo but on your face.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
live long and prosper!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?