Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
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My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Two types of dogs.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
me opening up to someone
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?