Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.