Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
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The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭