Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.