Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.