Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby