Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
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What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW