Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
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when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Catercrombie & Fish
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
you stereotypes are all alike
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.