Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
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Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”