Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

fr

me to God

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

2022: I can fix it

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey