Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
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Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
🙂🐾
They’re on their honeymoon
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything